How to Drain Your Flagon
by PageKat
Summary: Hiccups life behind dragon-riding. A series of short-stories often involving a mug of ale. What could go wrong? They are Vikings, after all.
1. Chapter 1

Aouthor's note: While I am by all means welcoming constructive critisism, this is my first attempt at a fanfic, so please don't judge too harshly. Considering this is a fanfic on a movie and I don't have much to go on, please cut me a little slack. By the way, this story skips around a lot, from when Hiccup is young, to when he is older. _It will make more sense if you pay attention._

Long story short: Hiccup's life behind the dragonriding; his Berk-rennowned Stoic's-gone-let's-put-Hiccup-in-charge catastrophies, to his less-known-of someone-help-me-Tuffnut-stole-my-leg-and-my-mug-of-ale-is-out-of-reach temper tantrums, yep, those kind of embarassing things that you try to talk down afterwords. The whole story occasionally interupted by a narrator who thinks that this is all _way_ to funny.

Disclaimer: While I love the How To Train Your Dragon stories they, regretably, belong to DreamWorks, not me.

 **Chapter one: The good old days**

"We"- _hic_ -"probably shouldn't be here," said Hiccup.

He was probably right, not that any one else was going to listen. Hiccup, the twins, Fishlegs, and Snotlout sat in a circle behind the alehouse in Berk, a mug of strong ale being passed around between them.

 _Now, as you might have guessed, this all happened_ long _before Hiccup shot down Toothless and any of them even knew what responsibility meant, despite Stoic the Vast_ constantly _bombarding six-year-old Hiccup with his totally not stolen 'With Great Bloodline, Comes Great Responsibility' lectures, during which, Hiccup would unobtrusively edge closer to the door of wherever he was and slip away._

 _But I suppose I should stop interupting now and let the story continue._

"Nah," said Ruffnut, "this was all carefully planned out," _-hic-_ "no one can find us here except maybe-"

"Astrid!" Hiccup exclaimed, as the viking in question strode around the corner of the building that the secret party was held behind, "We were just" _-hic-_ "having some-"

"Nothing!" Interupted Snotlout, not wanting to get caught, unfortunately, the others had much the same thought process and said, at the same time,

"Cheese!" "Fruit!" "Spider stomping talk!" This last one came from Ruffnut, at whom Snotlout turned and glared. They were busted for sure.

Even more unfortunately, in their haste to give excuses, none of them had thought to hide the mug of ale, which was plain for Astrid to see as evidence of their crime. "Hmm," she said, "I see." Then she turned and stalked back around the corner of the barn.

Snotlout, the twins, and Fishlegs didn't stick around. They knew that when it came to Astrid, _no one_ was safe. Moments later, Hiccup shook himself out of his amazing-Astrid induced suptor and pushed himself to his feet,-luckly, he hadn't had _that_ much ale-and tried to quietly slip away... But it wasn't to be that easy, it was never that easy.

" _Hiccup!"_ Stoic thundered, "Just where do you think you're going?"

"But _Dad,_ " Hiccup said in a high-pitched, whiny voice, "We were just having a bit of fun." He was seated at the main table of the cheiftian's house that he shared with his father, Stoic the Vast, Cheiftain of Berk. Said Cheif was pacing back and forth on the other side of the table, now he stopped and turned to his son.

"Oh, so there was a 'we' was there?" Hiccup sighed, trust Astrid to not tell Stoic the whole story.

"We-ell," Despite having been betrayed by the twins, not to mention Snotlout, many times before, he was still hesitant to rat them out. Finnaly he simply gave up on any ill-advised morals and said, "Snotlout and the Twins were having an ale party, and they invited Fishlegs, who invited me."

Just then, Gobber, who had been passing by, looking for Stoic, entered the house. He had happened to overhear part of the cheif and his sons' conversation. "Come on Stoic, it's perfectly normal for a viking to want their drink." He said, waving his wooden hand about in the air.

"I _know_ , Gobber," said Stoic, "But at this age? And a future cheiftian to boot?"

"At least give him a chance, Stoic," said Gobber.

Stoic threw his arms in the air in exasperation, "You two are hopeless!" Then he stormed out the door, slaming it shut behind him.

"If you ask me," said Hiccup, rather belatedly, "He's the one who seems hopeless."

Gobber shook his head and sighed, "Just wait 'till you get older."

Author's note:

Sorry that was so short, I had some computer issues, so I apologise for any mistakes I may have made.

If you have any ideas for the next few chapters, please tell me in a review. Other than that, I will be updating as inspiration strikes.

 **Chapter two: The Nefarious Nightwing**

 _Here is where we jump ahead in the history of Hiccup...when our hero discovers the joys of trying to feed a one-thousand, seven-hundred, and seventy-six pound beast the size of a short Clydesdale on a relatively small island full of people trying to feed themselves who couldn't care less about his dragon. It's apparently not easy, even for a Chieftain's son._

 _Here we go..._


	2. Chapter 2: One big, happy family

_A/N: In this chapter, several OC's will be mentioned, but only their names, as I don't have the time or patience to do a whole lot of research. Also, this being my personal Berk settlement story, it may not be entirely correct, but I couldn't find a by-the-books version, so don't be mad._

 _Also, sorry I lied, If you saw the chapter two sneak peak that may or may not have been in chapter one, it's gone now, and while I am still working on that chapter, it will be coming soon._

 _Oh, yes, thank you, my wonderful readers, your reveiws inspire me!_

 **Chapter Two: One big, happy family.**

 _Hiccup shares a theory. The twins need a whiteboard so they can host a 'big reveal' show._

 _Without further ado..._

"What's got you down, Hiccup?" Asks Fishlegs as the gang enters the training arena, "You're awfully quiet."

"Hmm?" Says Hiccup, his attention apparently elsewhere, "Oh! I've just been thinking."

After a moment of silence, Hiccup realises that the others are waiting for elaboration. "Hiccup's been thinking, oh the horror, what about?" Says Snotlout.

"Well," says Hiccup, ignoring the sarcasm, "Berk is not the largest of Islands, and our village is not the biggest of villages, _and_ it's the only one around here. We-as in the vikings of Berk,- have been here for hundreds of years, without all that much contact with the outside world, and with good reason!"-He says this as the dragons enter the arena-, "If the _really old_ legends are true, the first settlers of Berk were six people in a ship, with all the rest of the crew dead. Two of those people were carried off by dragons, but the others found uninhabited caves and sheltered there, multiplying gradually over the years, and building the village, but there were only four people…"

Astrid and Fishlegs frown, while Snotlout has a somebody-please-explain look on his face.

Seeing that the others are confused, Hiccup continues to explain, "Four people," He says slowly, "None of them related, but it's still not that much of a gene-pool now is it? What I am trying to say is, wouldn't that make us all distant cousins or something?"

The others, save Ruffnut and Tuffnut, look dumbstruck. Finally Astrid recovers her wits enough to say to the twins, who still look confused, "He's saying we're all related."

"No," says Tuffnut, "I mean, yes, but we already knew. We just assumed that you did too."

"Oh yes," Ruffnut adds, "It's much more fun to prank people when the people you're pranking are your family."

...

Everyone stared at Ruffnut and Tuffnut. "Whaaaat?" They said in perfect unison.

"Look," said Tuffnut, "It's all really simple if you put the pieces together," he started ticking points off on his fingers as he spoke, "Silent Sven's cousin is Yodeling Yeal, and Yeal's son, Morgan the Murderous, married Scythe Sarah, whose mother is Wailing Wendy, whose late father was Dangerous Darwin, who married Old Pessimistic Pat, and they had Wendy, but then they divorced, and Pat married Scott the Superfluous, whose nephew was Alvin the treacherous, just by the way, but anyway, Pat and Scott had a boy and a girl, who they named Narvlik and Valka, and Valka married Stoick the Vast, and they had Hiccup."

Hiccup just looked at Tuffnut, astounded, but when he opened his mouth to say something, Ruffnut interrupted, saying, "We can also do Snotlout, and Fishlegs."

When she saw Snotlout opening his mouth to protest, Ruffnut grinned wickedly and hurried on, "So, you already know about Wailing Wendy, and that is where my tale starts. Wendy married Knucklebone Nob, and they had Scythe Sarah and Sleazy Stephan, who were twins. Stephan, through an affair with Doubting Dinah, who is married to Dastardly Dennis,-who really shouldn't have married Dinah, in my humble opinion, he's too nice for her-had Owald the Outcast and he married Outrageous Owena, who is Silent Sven's gossipy sister, and they had Spitelout, who had Snotlout here."

"Oh really," shouted Snotlout, "An AFFAIR?!" Then he started chasing Ruffnut around the arena.

"Really," said Tuffnut, not the least bit concerned for his sister, "If you think about it, you can connect just about everyone on Berk to Silent Sven, one way or another."

And then he proceeded to do just that, taking a piece of charcoal from one of the brasiers mounted on the wall by the gates of the arena and, finding an unscorched spot on the wall inside of the arena, he started making a chart.

The rest of the gang just watched, amazed, as Tuffnut, with help from Ruffnut, when Snotlout stopped chasing her, proved that almost everyone on Berk could be connected, if not by blood, by marriage.

"But if we're all related," Astrid said suddenly, staring at Hiccup, "Wouldn't that mean…"

Hiccup stared back.

Ruffnut and Tuffnut start cackling maniacally.

…

 _A/N: Why am I doing this, you ask? Well, I don't rightly know, maybe it's my passive-aggressive revenge for all the family-without-Astrid bonding that went on in HTTYD 2. Oh, I'm sorry, SPOILER ALERT! But then, you should really watch all the available movies before you start reading fanfics about something._

 _Also, I can assure you, if you take the time to lay out the whole family tree that was in my story, it gets very tangled, but it all works out. I'm serious. If you don't believe me, you can do it yourself. Really. I dare you._

 _And though I do love Hiccstrid...I'm not sorry._


	3. Tuffnut Throston, You Stand Accused

A dark, maniacal cackle broke the still silence of the night. The cackle of a terrible, thuroughly deranged teenager, with a drastic prank on the mind. A declaration of _war_.

Sorry if that was a bit strange...but I refuse to explain.

Disclaimer: I don't own LoTR.

Here we go...

 **Tuffnut Thorston, You Stand Accused**

"ARGH!!!" The cry preirced the silent morning air of Dragon's Edge. Hiccup sighed. What had the twins done this time? Out of sheer force of will, he managed to get himself out of bed.

Hiccup sleepily stumbled over to the slab of stone where Toothles lay and roused his dragon, who looked miffed at being awoken. He gave Hiccup a sidelong, what-do- _you-_ want, sort of look.

"Morning, bud," announced Hiccup, "rise and shine."

'Go away,' Toothless grumbled tiredly, 'Leave me alone.' All of the riders had been up late last night, cleaning up the result of one of the twins pranks.

"Hurrm?" Said Hiccup, immitating his dragon, "What? The big baby doesn't want to wake up? Well, _I_ have to go see what's got Snotlout all riled up,"-at this piont, he had recognised the voice that was cursing the twins from out side.

Throwing open the door, Hiccup winced at the bright, morning sunlight, and at the scene that greeted him. Snotlout, as Hiccup had known it would be, was chasing Tuffnut around the platforms outside, waving, _fish?_ In the air and cursing the twin's parents very colorfully.

Tuffnut, with his sister no where to be seen, and his dragon watching unhelpfully from the dragon-stables, was running for his life, and, quite controdictorally, laughing histarically.

"What is going on here?" Hiccup asked loudly, so as to get the attention of the enraged Snotlout and fleeing Tuffnut.

Snotlout whirled on him, looking for someone less likely to run to take his anger out on. "Tuffnut replaced my pink fluffy-bunny slippers with gutted _fish_! _FISH!_ "

"So he did," said Hiccup, now noticing Snotlouts bare, slightly slimy looking, feet. But before he could say more, he was distracted by _more_ enraged shouting.

"TUFFNUT!!!" Hiccup heard Astrid holler, "I am going to _kill_ you!"

"Get in line!" Tuffnut yelled back, prompting Hiccup to say,

"What did you do?" In an exasperated tone of voice.

"See for your self," Said Tuffnut, "It's rather impressive."

Hiccup looked for the source of the shouting and saw, to his utter horror and facination, one red faced viking girl and a neon green deadly nadder. "How the Hel did you manage _that_?" He murmured. Then, louder, he said, just out of curiosity, "How do you know it was Tuffnut?"

Astrid, very angerly, said, "Because he wrote 'The revenge of Tuffnut Thorston' on my wall, using purple stinkberry juice." Hiccup winced; that would take a _long_ time to wash off.

Then Hiccup turned to Tuffnut, who was smiling maliciously, while inching slowly away from the livid vikings. Suddenly, a shriek was heard from the direction of Fishlegs hut: "My Books! TUFFNUT!!!"

Hiccup sighed, he hadn't even had his morning mead yet, and nearly the whole populance of Dragon's Edge was calling for Tuffnut's blood. This was going to be a loooong day.

He turned on his heel and marched back inside his hut, yelling over his shoulder, "Can't you guys wait untill a reasonable hour to do your raging?" And slamming his door. He did not want to hear the others turn on Tuffnut.

 _2 hour later..._

Hiccup was drowning his sorrows. In a mug of ale, of course. He just sat on the platform in front of his hut, with his legs dangling off the edge, and watched the others (including Ruffnut, surprisingly,) chase Tuffnut around Dragon's Edge, while nursing his ale.

He had not been left out of Tuffnut's mischief making; as soon as he stepped two feet from his door, a carefully rigged pulley system, somehow weighted so that it would activate the momment he stepped on a certian spot on the floor, lifted Hiccup into a tree and dropped a bucketload of live fish (and some water) on Toothless, who was still in bed. Right where Tuffnut had known he would be.

But, rather than rant and rage at Tuffnut for sticking him in a tree and making his hut smell like fish, Hiccup simply hung from the rope attatched to the tree and listened to the enraged bellows coming from his normally peacefull dragon, and wondered what prompted this ludacris pranking form Tuffnut, before pleasantly asking for someone to get him down.

And now, he sat on his platform, nursed his ale, and let alcohol do it's work on his mind, composing a list of ways he could get back at Tuffnut, stopping just short of using his flaming sword to threaten the annoying nusance into submission.

So he sat, thinking, watching the chase play out below him, and draining his flagon.

I am not done! There is more to come, I just needed an impressive ending.

By the way, I said I would do the chapter **The Nefarious Nightwing** and, rest asured, I will get to it. Just not quite yet. I am expiriencing some dificulties in the creativity department for that chapter, so it may be a while bfore I get back to it, but I will! Some day. I'll let you guys know when I do.

My sister has been railing at me recently, about how, and I quote, "They are all sort-of out of character" so I am letting you know, just in-case you didn't, I am not perfect.

Anyways, thanks for reading! I'll add more soon, -Pagekat


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